Kmarko's Barstool Sports Week In Review
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Welcome back to everybody’s favorite weekly feature, except not really. Things are a little crazy around here so switching things up this week. With half of the office gone traveling down to Houston and 100% of our attention focused on the Super Bowl and Comedy Central it was tough to judge everyone and rank them appropriately – didn’t seem fair to single people out individually when it’s all about the team, the team, the team right now.
Also not a lot has been going on to be honest. It’s a ghost town around here with all eyes on the RV to Texas. So here’s a roundup of every single thing that’s happened both here in NYC at HQ and on the trip down to the Super Bowl:
On the road…
I think it’s safe to say that there is 1 question on everyone’s mind right now, and it’s a valid one –
Is Dave Portnoy dying?
I mean your boy is in bad shape. There’s no way around it.
Not sure what’s going on and I won’t pretend to play armchair doctor from thousands of miles away. Some people are saying that maybe a 40 year old body can’t handle the Club Dave lifestyle. Others are saying that it’s a minor setback for a major comeback, the body gearing itself up to go balls to wall on Comedy Central Monday – Thursday at absolute full strength. People forget that Wolverine was fucked up for a little bit after they pumped him full of the adamantium. Could be same thing happening here.
And like I said I’m not a doctor but I do know one thing that doesn’t help a sickness – carbon monoxide poisoning.
It truly is the silent killer folks. Seriously people kill themselves that way. Would there be a more fitting thing for Barstool Sports than having our top 3 guys die in their sleep from carbon monoxide poisoning in a shitty broken down RV on the way to broadcast live from the freaking Super Bowl?
Luckily there’s one person who selflessly stayed back just in case.
But whatever. Fuck toothaches and strokes and Bells Pallsy and poison gas. The show must go on.
Unless these guys literally die, which as I just covered there’s a legitimate 50/50 shot they do, we will be live on your TV screen Monday night.
Meanwhile back at the office…
Big week for guests. Highlight was, jeah, you guessed it.
Ryan Lochte
But don’t sleep on Stu Feiner the God –
And Big Country Kyle Rudolph
And Michael Smith/Jemele Hill
Top Media Talents of the Week:
Dave, Big Cat and PFT Commenter.
No I mean literally, they were named as some of the top sports media talents, on a real list:
Don’t forget to add an asterisk though since two of them are doing steroids.
PFT*** and Big Cat*** lost my Hall of Fame vote that’s for sure.
Best Masturbator of the Week
Asa
Again, seriously, there’s an award for that. And Asa won it.
Congrats girl. I’ll have to take the voters’ word for it, don’t feel comfortable checking it out myself since me and Asa are friends now. Friends don’t watch friends masturbate.
Golf Round Of The Week
#GolfBoys sneakily becoming the most exclusive clique in the office by the way.
Walking around with their 9 irons making inside Tiger jokes and shit. Intimidating AF.
Fan Favorite of the Week
Francis
Has to be the most well liked ginger in…ever? Prince Harry? Peak Lindsay Lohan?
Award Winning Listener of the Week
Shout out to Zach in Nashville who saw Pardon My Take tweet that they need a place with Wifi and invited them right over to his living room. They don’t call them Award Winning Listeners for nothing folks.
Sidenote, in a strange twist, Zach is one of my best friends from high school, who I haven’t heard from in a couple years until I got a text yesterday saying hey, Big Cat, PFT and Hank are in my living room, they say sup. Small world.
My Personal Favorite Video of the Week
Caleb and Rone Take On The Inauguration
You look like a guy who’s got a different perspective on things or at least likes to think he does.
Rap Track of the Week
PFT’s got bars, people forget that.
Hardo of the Week
Deadspin EIC Tim Marchman
He went radio silent so I never got to figure out for sure if he was being sarcastic or not. By all accounts from people who know his personality he was dead serious. About challenging haters to fight in the octagon. I find that hard to believe but if it’s true it’s maybe my favorite internet moment of all time.
Robbie ready to bust some EIC skull.
Video Editing of the Week
Frankie Borelli working his magic behind the scenes as usual.
Twitter Thread Of A Hypothetical Jon Gruden Interview of President Trump of the Week
Commercial Of The Week
See you fuckers on Comedy Central.
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